Life is a journey. And you as a passenger are taught to travel through it displaying your strength at all times. You must never reveal your vulnerable side to people otherwise you'll be hurt, taken undue advantage of and exploited. So, you live a sham of a life because HEY! YOU ARE STRONG. You are robust, unshakeable, intrepid, valiant that ways or atleast that's what the perception of the world is. But does this fake show of strength make you endearing? I always wondered that why I always supported the underdog and not the favourite in a head to head battle. There's something about vulnerability, about weakness; that is likeable. Wouldn't it be tedious if everything were perfect?
Here is one experience that shook me up and gave me a wake-up call for the better. If you remember I was admitted in an acting school named Barry John Acting Studio a-k-a BJAS in Mumbai (and if you don't remember I'd advise you to read the previous posts. Thank you). The acting course was in it's latter stages and learning was getting intense. Our understanding of acting techniques like Stephenbook and Meisner was increasing and implementations required meticulous preparation. The pressure to better myself for each time I gave a great performance was getting to me. Cometh the penultimate week and it was time for scene work. This was the week I was waiting for. I was finally going to hear those magical words "LIGHTS.. CAMERA.. ROLLING... & ACTION! " for the first fucking time in my life! I was as excited as a tiny tot in a store full of toy cars. Groups were divided and we had to make our own 8-10 minute scene that runs in a single location with a revelation somewhere in between that completely turns the scene and the audience's expectations upside down. A revelation is a surprising disclosure that was concealed at once but is now known to others. So, we immediately came to the drawing board and started thinking of concepts and interesting plots for our story that'd make up for some thrills and chills. Now one basic phenomenon that occurs when groups are arbitrarily formed against your wishes is politics. There are always smaller like-minded groups within a group. And this is what was turning out to be the downfall for some groups. As if the pressure to deliver a great performance wasn't enough, me and my group were surrounded by fights, arguments, verbal swordfights and what not. Thankfully the atmosphere within my group was pretty upbeat. People were determined to do well and were coming up with stories- sensible and sometimes well..stupid. Nevertheless, we were ready with our story and had to perform it impromptu without a written script at first to see if it was working out or not.
It's performance time. We set up our story consisting of a family comprising a father, mother and their two sons. It's set against a sophisticated background. The revelation being - the father having an extra-marital affair due to lack of sexual activity from his wife and how an MMS of his on his wife's mobile changed a festive atmosphere on the dining table to almost a funeral. The end being the mother leaving the house despite being repeatedly convinced by the father against it. We perform it and midway during the performance we are told to stop because the nature of relationships between the characters wasn't well defined and because the scene was dead and things were happening and lines were being said just for the heck of it. The only saving grace was the fact that the performance of the other groups too pretty much sucked. It's funny how in a competitive field other's failure reduces your pain of failure and almost acts as a balm of consolation. I however didn't like the review my group got and tried to think of other ways to fix the loose ends and make a taut script sans loopholes. Comes the second chance of performance. One of the groups had delivered a decent performance and it was our time to do the same. This time we thought we bettered our previous showing as we were atleast allowed to perform the whole thing. However the end of the performance was followed by laughter from the audience. The sad part was they weren't laughing with us but AT us. The review again wasn't heartening. I was used to getting appreciated for my performances and here I am struggling to put up a half-decent act. It was nothing short of humiliation for me. I couldn't see my mentor and acting guru Sourabh sir eye to eye. I knew I wasn't living upto his expectations. Now, it was hurting me. The realisation that what great performances you've delivered is a thing of the past and that you're only as good as your last performance was dawning on me. My confidence took a beating. Surprising how a few mistakes or wrong doings suddenly plant seeds of doubt in a once confident and determined you. What followed after our performance was again pathetic performances by other groups. Blame games started. People started fighting amongst themselves defending each other whilst pointing out how the others had screwed up the scene. Verbal spats took a dirty physical turn and things were getting ugly. I personally blamed myself entirely because I wasn't able to get that energy going in my group because that's what I pride myself on. In my mind I think I had asked myself the question that "Why the fuck am I not able to crack this thing" atleast a million times.
The day ends with another lacklustre performance by a group and now Sourabh sir's patience starts to wear off. He gets up in sheer angst and literally shouts at the top of his voice "What the fuck is happening? Is this how you're going to perform? You aren't even doing the basics learnt in the first week properly." Then almost helplessly he says " I've seen bad batches but I think this one's creating a benchmark for the worst one. You people are just not connecting! There's just too much politics, too many inflated egos at work! What the hell is the problem between you guys? I'm surprised that just as newbies you people have so much attitude and have problems working with each other despite being with each other for months. How will you work outside in this industry if this is going to be your attitude towards work. You are a talented bunch of people but are completely disconnected."
He then takes a slight pause and says "I think I've failed as a teacher". These words hit me like a dagger. Never in my life had I felt so little, so ashamed and so dejected.
He continues "Let me tell you one of my experiences now that you've compelled me to share it with you. Barry Sir and I have directed some brilliant plays. Those plays worked because the energy of the group was amazing. Rehearsals were fun. Actors got on like a house on fire. People used to say that if it's Sourabh's play, it has to be amazing. But there is this one blot in my career that I'll always remember. I once directed a play that was showcased at the most prestigious "Prithvi theatre" in Mumbai. I had handpicked the best actors for my play as I wanted it to be the best play. I worked day and night for 6 months to put everything in place right from the story to the relationship between characters to the production to the costumes to the set design. I barely slept for 6 months and gave all my sweat and blood to the play. However, the camaraderie that I expected to be between the actors in the unit wasn't quite there. Since there were established and big reputed actors in the play, they all came with an ego of their own. Each one came with a "My way or the highway" kind of attitude and their adamant behaviour was reflecting on the rehearsals. Sometimes the rehearsals had to be stopped because of the silliest of arguments that would hurt the supposed 'Ego' of an actor. It was the most harrowing experience of my life still I somehow managed to work with them. Cometh the day of reckoning and the Prithvi theatre was filled with celebrities, theatre stalwarts, media and other actors from the industry. All the bigwigs had turned up to watch what was being anticipated as the best play. The audience awaited the start of the play with baited breath. I myself was extremely nervous and excited. And what followed was a woeful performance. A 2 hour play went on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. The performances of the actors was so pathetic that people from the crowd were leaving the seats midway during the play. The play was so bad that even the lighting got screwed many times despite my best efforts. Six months of my blood and sweat summed upto zilch- a complete void. Media personnel bashed the play and my direction left, right and centre at the end of it all. I stood helplessly at the exit of the theatre and was standing amidst the ruins as people gave me the dirtiest of glances. They were all giggling, poking fun at me, tearing apart my reputation strand after strand. My voice had almost disappeared and never was my throat so dry. My face had turned pale & I was crying inside but had no one beside me. In this industry people are only with you as long as you're successful and no one cares to give you a second look if you've failed. I was already receiving threats and messages asking me to quit and what not. Those catcalls, those insults, those giggles, those remarks are still ringing in my ears."
His voice was now shrieking. There was a lump in Sourabh sir's throat as he said " After the play all the actors literally cried in the changing rooms. This industry is heartless. It only knows the language of success. It will rip you apart and try to bring you down even at the slightest opportunity it gets. Just work. Work tirelessly. Give up your egos. Respect everybody. If you want work you will have to show the hunger for it." Almost teary eyed he continues "I have faced it but you all are too young. You won't be able to bear it. You won't be able to handle the humiliation. Learn from these mistakes".
I didn't even realise that I had tears rolling down my eyes. I wept like a kid. For me Sourabh sir was and is a father-like figure and will always remain so. Whatever I had learnt about acting was all credited to him and whatever I make of myself in the future, I will always be indebted to him besides my parents. Seeing him in tears shook me up. It was like my father had been humiliated. I just looked down on the floor and didn't know how to react. I just sat there. I could hear giggles from a corner. Now if I hadn't sworn to my Mom that staying away from my family in an unknown place I won't get into fights and tussles I think I would have bashed the daylights of the bastards who couldn't get the fact that here is a man who was willing to shed his inhibitions in front of his students whom he might not even meet after the course and he was sharing with us one of the darkest chapters from his past that he was ashamed of; all of this so that he could fill some sense into US. I'd had enough. It was now do or die for me. I had another sleepless night, this time not owing to why things went wrong but how would I completely turn the tables on the proceedings. I changed the background of the story. I changed my entry, my activity and my attitude itself towards all characters. Because the actress playing my wife wasn't quite connected with me, I had a heart-to-heart discussion with her on what could I do to make her feel that I was a cheating husband. And she said a blank screen or acting as if she watched a video isn't going to get the reaction that is actually required. So, that day when everyone left but the two people from my group playing my two sons; I decided to record a video of me making out with a girl so that when my co-actor playing my wife in the scene actually got to watch that video, her reactions would make the revelation strong and convincing.
On returning home however things deteriorated on the health front. All that stress, previous sleepless nights and haywire eating schedules had taken a toll on my health. I was struck by a tongue cut, fever, food poisoning and constipation all at once. I puked blood twice which reminded me of my past encounter with stress ulcers. I couldn't eat anything because of the tongue cut. My entire body was hurting and by midnight I wasn't able to move an inch. My chest was hurting even if I coughed. I was wondering why were the health gods in such a bad mood. During these testing times, a bestie of mine named Shivani Joshi took care of me and was there by my side to support me. I looked like an eskimo from an igloo wrapped up in blankets with a thermometer in my mouth. I somehow reached studio pretty early the next morning (And yes, I didn't bathe that day. I hope Mom isn't reading this). I changed my activity, the setting of the scene and didn't inform my teammates as to what I was going to do. I started working out in front of the mirror. I did 5 sets each of Burpies, half squats and ab crunches. With repetitions of 50, 40, 30, 20 and 10 I had done each exercise. In half an hour I was sweating like a Pig. It was extremely tough doing all this with an empty tummy but helpful because I had now turned my character into a middle class, loud, boisterous, abusing guy who comes from the gym expecting sex from his wife. So, I had to look all worked out and sweaty which is why all the effort. It was the time for my team's performance and everybody was wondering what is this lunatic (read : Me) upto? The scene went on and since, nobody knew what was happening (including my teammates) the scene turned out to be magical. By the end of the act I was semi-nude obviously owing to the random stuff I tried to shake up things a bit. Because my co actors didn't know what was coming their way, their reactions were genuine and since the previous night had an adverse effect on my mental stability, I did the craziest of things which ultimately worked and the scene turned out to be brilliant. The applause, hooting at the end of it was relieving but I was only waiting for what Sourabh sir had to say.
"The scene was weird and something I didn't expect. You had a 3 dimensional character which was brilliant to watch. This is what makes me want to teach acting. This works for me. You're back!" These words got etched in my mind. I saw him smile. That was it. I think I had given the Filmfare acceptance speech in my mind by now. Everybody hugged and congratulated me at the end of the performance while the only thing that was running on my mind at that time was food because I had stayed hungry for almost 24 hours now. I just had a second lease of life, a renewed self-belief and now a faith that is unwavering. I now know that each time I start from a clean slate and that whatever's done is a thing of the past. I'm learning to detach myself from the good I do as well as the bad. It's extremely tough. No wonder Sourabh sir says an actor needs a psychiatrist at some point in his life. I wish I need one but after I've established myself in the industry. I'm even more hungrier, even more hopeful and have even bigger dreams now..Thanks to the man who in his vulnerability became so endearing that he's shown that vulnerability brings out the best in you and what brings out the best in you is your strength, not your weakness. Vulnerability signifies courage. To be vulnerable is to be alive! So, embrace your vulnerabilities and see how they transform into the cornerstone of confidence.
Here is one experience that shook me up and gave me a wake-up call for the better. If you remember I was admitted in an acting school named Barry John Acting Studio a-k-a BJAS in Mumbai (and if you don't remember I'd advise you to read the previous posts. Thank you). The acting course was in it's latter stages and learning was getting intense. Our understanding of acting techniques like Stephenbook and Meisner was increasing and implementations required meticulous preparation. The pressure to better myself for each time I gave a great performance was getting to me. Cometh the penultimate week and it was time for scene work. This was the week I was waiting for. I was finally going to hear those magical words "LIGHTS.. CAMERA.. ROLLING... & ACTION! " for the first fucking time in my life! I was as excited as a tiny tot in a store full of toy cars. Groups were divided and we had to make our own 8-10 minute scene that runs in a single location with a revelation somewhere in between that completely turns the scene and the audience's expectations upside down. A revelation is a surprising disclosure that was concealed at once but is now known to others. So, we immediately came to the drawing board and started thinking of concepts and interesting plots for our story that'd make up for some thrills and chills. Now one basic phenomenon that occurs when groups are arbitrarily formed against your wishes is politics. There are always smaller like-minded groups within a group. And this is what was turning out to be the downfall for some groups. As if the pressure to deliver a great performance wasn't enough, me and my group were surrounded by fights, arguments, verbal swordfights and what not. Thankfully the atmosphere within my group was pretty upbeat. People were determined to do well and were coming up with stories- sensible and sometimes well..stupid. Nevertheless, we were ready with our story and had to perform it impromptu without a written script at first to see if it was working out or not.
It's performance time. We set up our story consisting of a family comprising a father, mother and their two sons. It's set against a sophisticated background. The revelation being - the father having an extra-marital affair due to lack of sexual activity from his wife and how an MMS of his on his wife's mobile changed a festive atmosphere on the dining table to almost a funeral. The end being the mother leaving the house despite being repeatedly convinced by the father against it. We perform it and midway during the performance we are told to stop because the nature of relationships between the characters wasn't well defined and because the scene was dead and things were happening and lines were being said just for the heck of it. The only saving grace was the fact that the performance of the other groups too pretty much sucked. It's funny how in a competitive field other's failure reduces your pain of failure and almost acts as a balm of consolation. I however didn't like the review my group got and tried to think of other ways to fix the loose ends and make a taut script sans loopholes. Comes the second chance of performance. One of the groups had delivered a decent performance and it was our time to do the same. This time we thought we bettered our previous showing as we were atleast allowed to perform the whole thing. However the end of the performance was followed by laughter from the audience. The sad part was they weren't laughing with us but AT us. The review again wasn't heartening. I was used to getting appreciated for my performances and here I am struggling to put up a half-decent act. It was nothing short of humiliation for me. I couldn't see my mentor and acting guru Sourabh sir eye to eye. I knew I wasn't living upto his expectations. Now, it was hurting me. The realisation that what great performances you've delivered is a thing of the past and that you're only as good as your last performance was dawning on me. My confidence took a beating. Surprising how a few mistakes or wrong doings suddenly plant seeds of doubt in a once confident and determined you. What followed after our performance was again pathetic performances by other groups. Blame games started. People started fighting amongst themselves defending each other whilst pointing out how the others had screwed up the scene. Verbal spats took a dirty physical turn and things were getting ugly. I personally blamed myself entirely because I wasn't able to get that energy going in my group because that's what I pride myself on. In my mind I think I had asked myself the question that "Why the fuck am I not able to crack this thing" atleast a million times.
The day ends with another lacklustre performance by a group and now Sourabh sir's patience starts to wear off. He gets up in sheer angst and literally shouts at the top of his voice "What the fuck is happening? Is this how you're going to perform? You aren't even doing the basics learnt in the first week properly." Then almost helplessly he says " I've seen bad batches but I think this one's creating a benchmark for the worst one. You people are just not connecting! There's just too much politics, too many inflated egos at work! What the hell is the problem between you guys? I'm surprised that just as newbies you people have so much attitude and have problems working with each other despite being with each other for months. How will you work outside in this industry if this is going to be your attitude towards work. You are a talented bunch of people but are completely disconnected."
He then takes a slight pause and says "I think I've failed as a teacher". These words hit me like a dagger. Never in my life had I felt so little, so ashamed and so dejected.
He continues "Let me tell you one of my experiences now that you've compelled me to share it with you. Barry Sir and I have directed some brilliant plays. Those plays worked because the energy of the group was amazing. Rehearsals were fun. Actors got on like a house on fire. People used to say that if it's Sourabh's play, it has to be amazing. But there is this one blot in my career that I'll always remember. I once directed a play that was showcased at the most prestigious "Prithvi theatre" in Mumbai. I had handpicked the best actors for my play as I wanted it to be the best play. I worked day and night for 6 months to put everything in place right from the story to the relationship between characters to the production to the costumes to the set design. I barely slept for 6 months and gave all my sweat and blood to the play. However, the camaraderie that I expected to be between the actors in the unit wasn't quite there. Since there were established and big reputed actors in the play, they all came with an ego of their own. Each one came with a "My way or the highway" kind of attitude and their adamant behaviour was reflecting on the rehearsals. Sometimes the rehearsals had to be stopped because of the silliest of arguments that would hurt the supposed 'Ego' of an actor. It was the most harrowing experience of my life still I somehow managed to work with them. Cometh the day of reckoning and the Prithvi theatre was filled with celebrities, theatre stalwarts, media and other actors from the industry. All the bigwigs had turned up to watch what was being anticipated as the best play. The audience awaited the start of the play with baited breath. I myself was extremely nervous and excited. And what followed was a woeful performance. A 2 hour play went on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. The performances of the actors was so pathetic that people from the crowd were leaving the seats midway during the play. The play was so bad that even the lighting got screwed many times despite my best efforts. Six months of my blood and sweat summed upto zilch- a complete void. Media personnel bashed the play and my direction left, right and centre at the end of it all. I stood helplessly at the exit of the theatre and was standing amidst the ruins as people gave me the dirtiest of glances. They were all giggling, poking fun at me, tearing apart my reputation strand after strand. My voice had almost disappeared and never was my throat so dry. My face had turned pale & I was crying inside but had no one beside me. In this industry people are only with you as long as you're successful and no one cares to give you a second look if you've failed. I was already receiving threats and messages asking me to quit and what not. Those catcalls, those insults, those giggles, those remarks are still ringing in my ears."
His voice was now shrieking. There was a lump in Sourabh sir's throat as he said " After the play all the actors literally cried in the changing rooms. This industry is heartless. It only knows the language of success. It will rip you apart and try to bring you down even at the slightest opportunity it gets. Just work. Work tirelessly. Give up your egos. Respect everybody. If you want work you will have to show the hunger for it." Almost teary eyed he continues "I have faced it but you all are too young. You won't be able to bear it. You won't be able to handle the humiliation. Learn from these mistakes".
I didn't even realise that I had tears rolling down my eyes. I wept like a kid. For me Sourabh sir was and is a father-like figure and will always remain so. Whatever I had learnt about acting was all credited to him and whatever I make of myself in the future, I will always be indebted to him besides my parents. Seeing him in tears shook me up. It was like my father had been humiliated. I just looked down on the floor and didn't know how to react. I just sat there. I could hear giggles from a corner. Now if I hadn't sworn to my Mom that staying away from my family in an unknown place I won't get into fights and tussles I think I would have bashed the daylights of the bastards who couldn't get the fact that here is a man who was willing to shed his inhibitions in front of his students whom he might not even meet after the course and he was sharing with us one of the darkest chapters from his past that he was ashamed of; all of this so that he could fill some sense into US. I'd had enough. It was now do or die for me. I had another sleepless night, this time not owing to why things went wrong but how would I completely turn the tables on the proceedings. I changed the background of the story. I changed my entry, my activity and my attitude itself towards all characters. Because the actress playing my wife wasn't quite connected with me, I had a heart-to-heart discussion with her on what could I do to make her feel that I was a cheating husband. And she said a blank screen or acting as if she watched a video isn't going to get the reaction that is actually required. So, that day when everyone left but the two people from my group playing my two sons; I decided to record a video of me making out with a girl so that when my co-actor playing my wife in the scene actually got to watch that video, her reactions would make the revelation strong and convincing.
On returning home however things deteriorated on the health front. All that stress, previous sleepless nights and haywire eating schedules had taken a toll on my health. I was struck by a tongue cut, fever, food poisoning and constipation all at once. I puked blood twice which reminded me of my past encounter with stress ulcers. I couldn't eat anything because of the tongue cut. My entire body was hurting and by midnight I wasn't able to move an inch. My chest was hurting even if I coughed. I was wondering why were the health gods in such a bad mood. During these testing times, a bestie of mine named Shivani Joshi took care of me and was there by my side to support me. I looked like an eskimo from an igloo wrapped up in blankets with a thermometer in my mouth. I somehow reached studio pretty early the next morning (And yes, I didn't bathe that day. I hope Mom isn't reading this). I changed my activity, the setting of the scene and didn't inform my teammates as to what I was going to do. I started working out in front of the mirror. I did 5 sets each of Burpies, half squats and ab crunches. With repetitions of 50, 40, 30, 20 and 10 I had done each exercise. In half an hour I was sweating like a Pig. It was extremely tough doing all this with an empty tummy but helpful because I had now turned my character into a middle class, loud, boisterous, abusing guy who comes from the gym expecting sex from his wife. So, I had to look all worked out and sweaty which is why all the effort. It was the time for my team's performance and everybody was wondering what is this lunatic (read : Me) upto? The scene went on and since, nobody knew what was happening (including my teammates) the scene turned out to be magical. By the end of the act I was semi-nude obviously owing to the random stuff I tried to shake up things a bit. Because my co actors didn't know what was coming their way, their reactions were genuine and since the previous night had an adverse effect on my mental stability, I did the craziest of things which ultimately worked and the scene turned out to be brilliant. The applause, hooting at the end of it was relieving but I was only waiting for what Sourabh sir had to say.
"The scene was weird and something I didn't expect. You had a 3 dimensional character which was brilliant to watch. This is what makes me want to teach acting. This works for me. You're back!" These words got etched in my mind. I saw him smile. That was it. I think I had given the Filmfare acceptance speech in my mind by now. Everybody hugged and congratulated me at the end of the performance while the only thing that was running on my mind at that time was food because I had stayed hungry for almost 24 hours now. I just had a second lease of life, a renewed self-belief and now a faith that is unwavering. I now know that each time I start from a clean slate and that whatever's done is a thing of the past. I'm learning to detach myself from the good I do as well as the bad. It's extremely tough. No wonder Sourabh sir says an actor needs a psychiatrist at some point in his life. I wish I need one but after I've established myself in the industry. I'm even more hungrier, even more hopeful and have even bigger dreams now..Thanks to the man who in his vulnerability became so endearing that he's shown that vulnerability brings out the best in you and what brings out the best in you is your strength, not your weakness. Vulnerability signifies courage. To be vulnerable is to be alive! So, embrace your vulnerabilities and see how they transform into the cornerstone of confidence.
