Be Elite - but in your "Thoughts"

"Dude go watch yourself. You don't have the same class as me". Ever come across such discrimination?  I don't get this whole fixation with "Being Elite" just coz you are associated with a reputed institution. For instance, here in Mumbai people from "Xaviers or Jai Hind" college feel they first pooped diamonds when they were born. It's like "Oh you are from Jai Hind? Now history will always be classified as AJ- After Jai Hind and BJ- Wait, what?!

I saw a bunch humiliate a guy who wasn't that well versed in English. And on being retaliated with, pat comes the "Tu Jaanta nahi mera Baap kaun hai VERSION 2.0- Abbe Xavierite ke saamne bolne ki aukaat rakh"

(Read: "You don't know who my father is VERSION 2.0 - Go develop some balls to speak to a Xavierite")
Yeah, yeah...his bad big guy! But don't you think you should have informed him that you are "heir" to the Queen of England and that even the grass that grows in your backyard, does so in English.

Okay. So a towny guy in Xaviers who's marks are less than hair on Anupam Kher's head (*Anupam Kher is a renowned actor from India) is smarter than an educated guy from a humble background. Looks like we got to start a candle march in loving memory of logic. Irony is these are the same people who share pics of the Prime Minister of India who delivers his speech only in Hindi and who wait.. was a chaiwala (person who delivered tea) and not a Xavierite. Ooooooh! Did I just offend the elites? Just knowing a language well doesn't shift you to a superior strata of society. Need proof? We all know where Rahul Gandhi is or wait even better "naked pics of Prince Charles partying". Isn't that "kewl" brah? 

Mockery of someone who hasn't had the same privileges as you doesn't make him pitiable. It reflects who YOU are as a person. It even applies to 'designer wear embellished & MAC make up kit decorated' girls who share pics of "Judge a guy not by how he treats you but how he treats the waiter" but who find a guy who speaks fluent Hindi but not so fluent English *L.S. and unsophisticated*. I always wanted to see a video when they first cried after their mom delivered them. Afterall wouldn't we all want to take down notes on how to cry in English? 

Don't cry about justice, compassion and equality from rooftops if you can't dish out any. Moral of the story "Always remember. You breathe the same Oxygen as others".

My first "Rendezvous" with the camera!

Struggle. Not a new word is it? Everybody goes through a phase of struggle in their lives. Some struggle to fulfill their dreams, others just to keep up with the demands of daily life. You'll find examples around you too if you observe carefully. Kids struggling to understand whether to play outside or to update selfies on facebook, teenagers struggling to choose who to keep a check on- pimples or their partners in relationships? Husbands struggling to satisfy the materialistic demands of their wives, wives struggling to comprehend what to buy- shoes or jewellery?  I too have applied for the University of Struggleship in Mumbai. Only difference being, my bills get paid by dad so you could say I'm a scholarship student in the University. Barely did I recover from Zoster, (It's viral Herpes and not an STD. Clarifying because people love to jump the gun) that I gave my first acting audition. It was for the reality show NDTV "Ticket to Bollywood" and it required contestants to act, dance and sing. It came naturally to me because that's all I've been doing in the bathroom for years without an audience.

So after waiting in queues that could give Burj Khalifa a run for it's money I finally give the audition and I am informed that I am selected and I get the golden ticket to the biggest film industry in the world. The next thing I hear which gives me an "eargasm" is that it will be aired on television. As excited as I was, I was just recollecting the memories of the audition so as to reassure myself that I didn't do anything idiotic that'll be aired on national television and embarrass my parents. Next round of the audition and I was at it, rehearsing like it was the last opportunity of my life. One thing I realised being there was the hardwork and sleepless nights put in on reality shows. People watching a reality show don't realise the Godzillanimous ( I made that up) efforts that both the performers as well as the channel crew put in to entertain you guys for an hour. So, people be sensitive towards performers from now on if you already weren't because a lot of blood, sweat and meticulous preparation goes into entertaining people. If I thought I was tired working 22 hours on the trot , I had a crew member from the channel as motivation ; working for 24 hours at a stretch . 2 weeks in to the show, I get into the top 21 contestants from all over India  and then get eliminated. The show gave me friends, a bit of fame, a wealth of experience and "episodes to cherish" as far as mom and dad are concerned. But most importantly it gave me self-belief that if my first babystep in this industry could create ripples, then surely training, grooming, perseverance and a bit of luck could take me places!

                                                                                                                What it also gave me was mindboggingly illogical wedding proposals, dark circles, an exhausted body and tolerance towards make-up to hide the dark circles and exhaustion. Mascara, foundation, concealer , oil free sunscreens and brushes of all shapes and sizes finally entered my life and though they sound gay; in this industry by the looks of it are here to stay. I finally made peace with the fact that I have to put on a face to entertain the rest of the world though forgetting to remove it during night and waking up to that face can be a scary prospect sometimes. However, whatever be the faces or circumstances, one thing's for sure..my love for acting and the camera just grew bigger and this relationship is sure to blossom even more in the future!                                               

Embrace vulnerability- It signifies courage!

Life is a journey. And you as a passenger are taught to travel through it displaying your strength at all times. You must never reveal your vulnerable side to people otherwise you'll be hurt, taken undue advantage of and exploited. So, you live a sham of a life because HEY! YOU ARE STRONG. You are robust, unshakeable, intrepid, valiant that ways or atleast that's what the perception of the world is. But does this fake show of strength make you endearing? I always wondered that why I always supported the underdog and not the favourite in a head to head battle. There's something about vulnerability, about weakness; that is likeable. Wouldn't it be tedious if everything were perfect? 

Here is one experience that shook me up and gave me a wake-up call for the better. If you remember I was admitted in an acting school named Barry John Acting Studio a-k-a BJAS in Mumbai (and if you don't remember I'd advise you to read the previous posts. Thank you). The acting course was in it's latter stages and learning was getting intense. Our understanding of acting techniques like Stephenbook and Meisner was increasing and implementations required meticulous preparation. The pressure to better myself for each time I gave a great performance was getting to me. Cometh the penultimate week and it was time for scene work. This was the week I was waiting for. I was finally going to hear those magical words "LIGHTS.. CAMERA.. ROLLING... & ACTION! "  for the first fucking time in my life! I was as excited as a tiny tot in a store full of toy cars. Groups were divided and we had to make our own 8-10 minute scene that runs in a single location with a revelation somewhere in between that completely turns the scene and the audience's expectations upside down. A revelation is a surprising disclosure that was concealed at once but is now known to others. So, we immediately came to the drawing board and started thinking of concepts and interesting plots for our story that'd make up for some thrills and chills. Now one basic phenomenon that occurs when groups are arbitrarily formed against your wishes is politics. There are always smaller like-minded groups within a group. And this is what was turning out to be the downfall for some groups. As if the pressure to deliver a great performance wasn't enough, me and my group were surrounded by fights, arguments, verbal swordfights and what not. Thankfully the atmosphere within my group was pretty upbeat. People were determined to do well and were coming up with stories- sensible and sometimes well..stupid. Nevertheless, we were ready with our story and had to perform it impromptu without a written script at first to see if it was working out or not.

It's performance time. We set up our story consisting of a family comprising a father, mother and their two sons. It's set against a sophisticated background. The revelation being - the father having an extra-marital affair due to lack of sexual activity from his wife and how an MMS of his on his wife's mobile changed a festive atmosphere on the dining table to almost a funeral. The end being the mother leaving the house despite being repeatedly convinced by the father against it. We perform it and midway during the performance we are told to stop because the nature of relationships between the characters wasn't well defined and because the scene was dead and things were happening and lines were being said just for the heck of it. The only saving grace was the fact that the performance of the other groups too pretty much sucked. It's funny how in a competitive field other's failure reduces your pain of failure and almost acts as a balm of consolation. I however didn't like the review my group got and tried to think of other ways to fix the loose ends and make a taut script sans loopholes. Comes the second chance of performance. One of the groups had delivered a decent performance and it was our time to do the same. This time we thought we bettered our previous showing as we were atleast allowed to perform the whole thing. However the end of the performance was followed by laughter from the audience. The sad part was they weren't laughing with us but AT us. The review again wasn't heartening. I was used to getting appreciated for my performances and here I am struggling to put up a half-decent act. It was nothing short of humiliation for me. I couldn't see my mentor and acting guru Sourabh sir eye to eye. I knew I wasn't living upto his expectations. Now, it was hurting me. The realisation that what great performances you've delivered is a thing of the past and that you're only as good as your last performance was dawning on me. My confidence took a beating. Surprising how a few mistakes or wrong doings suddenly plant seeds of doubt in a once confident and determined you. What followed after our performance was again pathetic performances by other groups. Blame games started. People started fighting amongst themselves defending each other whilst pointing out how the others had screwed up the scene. Verbal spats took a dirty physical turn and things were getting ugly. I personally blamed myself entirely because I wasn't able to get that energy going in my group because that's what I pride myself on. In my mind I think I had asked myself the question that "Why the fuck am I not able to crack this thing" atleast a million times.

The day ends with another lacklustre performance by a group and now Sourabh sir's patience starts to wear off. He gets up in sheer angst and literally shouts at the top of his voice "What the fuck is happening? Is this how you're going to perform? You aren't even doing the basics learnt in the first week properly." Then almost helplessly he says " I've seen bad batches but I think this one's creating a benchmark for the worst one. You people are just not connecting! There's just too much politics, too many inflated egos at work! What the hell is the problem between you guys? I'm surprised that just as newbies you people have so much attitude and have problems working with each other despite being with each other for months. How will you work outside in this industry if this is going to be your attitude towards work. You are a talented bunch of people but are completely disconnected."

He then takes a slight pause and says "I think I've failed as a teacher".  These words hit me like a dagger. Never in my life had I felt so little, so ashamed and so dejected.

He continues "Let me tell you one of my experiences now that you've compelled me to share it with you. Barry Sir and I have directed some brilliant plays. Those plays worked because the energy of the group was amazing. Rehearsals were fun. Actors got on like a house on fire. People used to say that if it's Sourabh's play, it has to be amazing. But there is this one blot in my career that I'll always remember. I once directed a play that was showcased at the most prestigious "Prithvi theatre" in Mumbai. I had handpicked the best actors for my play as I wanted it to be the best play. I worked day and night for 6 months to put everything in place right from the story to the relationship between characters to the production to the costumes to the set design. I barely slept for 6 months and gave all my sweat and blood to the play. However, the camaraderie that I expected to be between the actors in the unit wasn't quite there. Since there were established and big reputed actors in the play, they all came with an ego of their own. Each one came with a "My way or the highway" kind of attitude and their adamant behaviour was reflecting on the rehearsals. Sometimes the rehearsals had to be stopped because of the silliest of arguments that would hurt the supposed 'Ego' of an actor. It was the most harrowing experience of my life still I somehow managed to work with them. Cometh the day of reckoning and the Prithvi theatre was filled with celebrities, theatre stalwarts, media and other actors from the industry. All the bigwigs had turned up to watch what was being anticipated as the best play. The audience awaited the start of the play with baited breath. I myself was extremely nervous and excited. And what followed was a woeful performance. A 2 hour play went on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. The performances of the actors was so pathetic that people from the crowd were leaving the seats midway during the play. The play was so bad that even the lighting got screwed many times despite my best efforts. Six months of my blood and sweat summed upto zilch- a complete void. Media personnel bashed the play and my direction left, right and centre at the end of it all. I stood helplessly at the exit of the theatre and was standing amidst the ruins as people gave me the dirtiest of glances. They were all giggling, poking fun at me, tearing apart my reputation strand after strand. My voice had almost disappeared and never was my throat so dry. My face had turned pale & I was crying inside but had no one beside me. In this industry people are only with you as long as you're successful and no one cares to give you a second look if you've failed. I was already receiving threats and messages asking me to quit and what not. Those catcalls, those insults, those giggles, those remarks are still ringing in my ears."

His voice was now shrieking. There was a lump in Sourabh sir's throat as he said " After the play all the actors literally cried in the changing rooms. This industry is heartless. It only knows the language of success. It will rip you apart and try to bring you down even at the slightest opportunity it gets. Just work. Work tirelessly. Give up your egos. Respect everybody. If you want work you will have to show the hunger for it." Almost teary eyed he continues "I have faced it but you all are too young. You won't be able to bear it. You won't be able to handle the humiliation.  Learn from these mistakes". 

 I didn't even realise that I had tears rolling down my eyes. I wept like a kid. For me Sourabh sir was and is a father-like figure and will always remain so. Whatever I had learnt about acting was all credited to him and whatever I make of myself in the future, I will always be indebted to him besides my parents. Seeing him in tears shook me up. It was like my father had been humiliated. I just looked down on the floor and didn't know how to react. I just sat there. I could hear giggles from a corner. Now if I hadn't sworn to my Mom that staying away from my family in an unknown place I won't get into fights and tussles I think I would have bashed the daylights of the bastards who couldn't get the fact that here is a man who was willing to shed his inhibitions in front of his students whom he might not even meet after the course and he was sharing with us one of the darkest chapters from his past that he was ashamed of; all of this so that he could fill some sense into US. I'd had enough. It was now do or die for me. I had another sleepless night, this time not owing to why things went wrong but how would I completely turn the tables on the proceedings. I changed the background of the story. I changed my entry, my activity and my attitude itself towards all characters. Because the actress playing my wife wasn't quite connected with me, I had a heart-to-heart discussion with her on what could I do to make her feel that I was a cheating husband. And she said a blank screen or acting as if she watched a video isn't going to get the reaction that is actually required. So, that day when everyone left but the two people from my group playing my two sons;  I decided to record a video of me making out with a girl so that when my co-actor playing my wife in the scene actually got to watch that video, her reactions  would make the revelation strong and convincing.

On returning home however things deteriorated on the health front. All that stress, previous sleepless nights and haywire eating schedules had taken a toll on my health. I was struck by a tongue cut, fever, food poisoning and constipation all at once. I puked blood twice which reminded me of my past encounter with stress ulcers. I couldn't eat anything because of the tongue cut. My entire body was hurting and by midnight I wasn't able to move an inch. My chest was hurting even if I coughed. I was wondering why were the health gods in such a bad mood. During these testing times, a bestie of mine named Shivani Joshi took care of me and was there by my side to support me. I looked like an eskimo from an igloo wrapped up in blankets with a thermometer in my mouth. I somehow reached studio pretty early the next morning (And yes, I didn't bathe that day. I hope Mom isn't reading this). I changed my activity, the setting of the scene and didn't inform my teammates as to what I was going to do. I started working out in front of the mirror. I did 5 sets each of Burpies, half squats and ab crunches. With repetitions of 50, 40, 30, 20 and 10 I had done each exercise. In half an hour I was sweating like a Pig. It was extremely tough doing all this with an empty tummy but helpful because I had now turned my character into a middle class, loud, boisterous, abusing guy who comes from the gym expecting sex from his wife. So, I had to look all worked out and sweaty which is why all the effort. It was the time for my team's performance and everybody was wondering what is this lunatic (read : Me) upto?  The scene went on and since, nobody knew what was happening (including my teammates) the scene turned out to be magical. By the end of the act I was semi-nude obviously owing to the random stuff I tried to shake up things a bit. Because my co actors didn't know what was coming their way, their reactions were genuine and since the previous night had an adverse effect on my mental stability, I did the craziest of things which ultimately worked and the scene turned out to be brilliant. The applause, hooting at the end of it was relieving but I was only waiting for what Sourabh sir had to say. 

"The scene was weird and something I didn't expect. You had a 3 dimensional character which was brilliant to watch. This is what makes me want to teach acting. This works for me. You're back!"  These words got etched in my mind. I saw him smile. That was it. I think I had given the Filmfare acceptance speech in my mind by now. Everybody hugged and congratulated me at the end of the performance while the only thing that was running on my mind at that time was food because I had stayed hungry for almost 24 hours now. I just had a second lease of life, a renewed self-belief and now a faith that is unwavering. I now know that each time I start from a clean slate and that whatever's done is a thing of the past. I'm learning to detach myself from the good I do as well as the bad. It's extremely tough. No wonder Sourabh sir says an actor needs a psychiatrist at some point in his life. I wish I need one but after I've established myself in the industry. I'm even more hungrier, even more hopeful and have even bigger dreams now..Thanks to the man who in his vulnerability became so endearing that he's shown that vulnerability brings out the best in you and what brings out the best in you is your strength, not your weakness. Vulnerability signifies courage. To be vulnerable is to be alive! So, embrace your vulnerabilities and see how they transform into the cornerstone of confidence.

Character Study - An experience of a kind!

New year, new beginnings and my first post in the new year. Where do I start from? I'd start by sharing my experience while completing a project given to me by my acting school. "Character study" is what it was called. In this an actor has to explore places he's not accustomed to, research on people that he would never encounter if it was left upto him, stay with them, adapt to their surroundings, observe them closely, their routines and then become them by the end of it. This was the drill : 4 days of this and then a performance in the acting studio on the 5th wherein the actor would have to dress like the character he's studied, speak exactly like him and assimilate all their mannerisms characteristic to their behaviour.

So, I began my hunt for an interesting character. My journey began from Dhobi Ghat. It's an open-air laundromat where thousands of dhobis (read 'local washers') wash clothes in the open for Mumbai's hotels, hospitals and other establishments. The sight of thousands of them bashing and beating the clothes left, right and centre is one to behold. Such a large scale functioning almost surprised me because I never thought there could be this magnitude of discipline in a single place where everything spelled "systematic". Just as I was loitering around the bylanes of Dhobi Ghat , I came across this person at a tea-stall interacting with the chaiwalla (person who makes tea at a tea-stall) in a variant of English that could best be described as funny. He looked like Einstein and Sherlock Holmes amalgamated into one old spinster. His clothing went like this- a black trouser, black coat with a layer of 4 shirts beneath the coat, a black hat, teeth that resembled the actors eating Cadbury silk and the dirtiest sport shoes on planet earth. What attracted me was not his english that I mentioned earlier but the fact that he was talking about finding a beautiful bride for himself (all this while he looked like 70-80ish).

"THIS IS IT! THIS YOUR CHARACTER", I said to myself (my heart and mind were in unison for a change).

 I went upto him trying to start a conversation about marriage and asked him a few questions. What followed after that totally left me in splits but I had to be straightfaced as judging the character wasn't our job; our job was to study the character and be one with him. The first words he uttered went like this " I don't any problem speaking to you but my problem has my wife, my three daughters got raped like vagina and anus not identify inside or outside". Quite a character indeed. He spoke about how Anna Hazare (the modern day pioneer of anti-corruption movement in India) had taken a loan of 200 crores from him and how Arvind Kejriwal (Anna's sidekick and now the leader of the political party named AAP that's creating ripples in the Indian political system) had borrowed 500 crores from him to contest the elections for the post of Chief Minister of Delhi. His conversation went from teaching 12,500 students about economy to how much a piece and then a pack of cigarette/beedi costs these days. He told me about how he had been thrown out of his house by his son and how his life revolved around sleeping on streets and being paid by the police for survival. Everything was going fine but then he did not have a cellphone and not a fixed location as he hopped from one place to another. His lifestyle was as dynamic as the things he spoke which left me besotted but tracking him the next day would be an issue so I had to reluctantly leave my character and search for another one.

Next stop was Dharavi - Asia's largest slum lying on the prime property right in the middle of India's financial capital, Mumbai. This place always aroused my curiosity ever since I watched Danny Boyle's Oscar spinning venture "Slumdog Millionaire" but actually being there was something else altogether! Houses so dense that it resembled tropical forests wherein even an iota of sunlight couldn't enter. A person I met over there had actually not seen sunlight for 5 years since both his house and his shop were based in Dharavi itself. Pathways leading to houses were so narrow that a person slightly obese would get stuck and not be able to move an inch. Drains running throughout the stretch resulted in a stench that was unbearable. Tiny tots ran around barefoot incognizant of their surroundings. The picture obviously wasn't rosy but what was heartening was the fact that the people staying there were always smiling- some smiles attributed to optimism and some maybe to habituation to circumstances.

Just then I met this person named "Abdul Razzaq Sheikh". White hair, a shrieking slim voice which could still hold strongly in a crowd, vest visible from the shirt, loose pants and eyes radiating happiness. He came along and showed me the interiors of Dharavi. It struck me as to why was I searching for a character when I had a character who was guiding me through the region. I started observing his mannerisms and enquired about his whereabouts, childhood, family, work and other related stuff. He was kind enough to let me in his house where we sat and had a long conversation. He wasn't rich by any stretch of imagination but he took immense pride in his house that measured 10x15. He told me how he could have built an empire and referred to the building outside his compound wall which could have been his, had he resorted to unfair means of earning, lying and deceit. He quoted "Hum chote logaan jhopdi ke, yeh bade chor logaan bhosdike" (meaning we the normal people from huts and these big people nothing but buttfucks). He surely had a sense of humour. He wasn't ashamed about the fact he was uneducated because he said he had intelligence. "Pait bharne ke liye degree ki kya zarurat miyaan. Allah haath paanv diya na toh kaam kar lenge" (meaning who needs a degree to fill his tummy, Allah has given me the resources so I'll make it work any which ways) We talked about everything under the sun. But one thing that touched me immensely was his view towards all religions. On being asked whether he was religious he replied "No one is religious. We are all needy, selfish beings. We remember the almighty according to our convenience and take him for granted. We muslims need azaan as the reminder to read the Namaz, hindus need the sound of the bells and idols to go the temples. Worshipping isn't second nature to us. We do it out of greed. We always ask the almighty for something". Continuing in the same vein he takes out a coin from his pocket and shows me saying "See this. You see Mother Vaishnodevi (Hindu goddess) at the back of this 5 rupee coin? You hindus believe a lot in her right? But what if this coin accidentally falls out of my pocket and is stamped upon by people. It would hurt religious sentiments right? This is what angers me. These motherfuckers (read politicians) imprint images of gods and goddesses dear to people for their own selfish need. They are the demons who act as separatists between the 2 communities- Hindus and Muslims. Our jihad should be against these idiots instead of innocent people". The man spoke sense. It touched a nerve somewhere. I was thankful somewhere inside me for getting an opportunity to meet such wonderful people. He talked about his kids and his smile reflected a deep satisfaction when he mentioned how well his kids were doing. I recorded his voice and got a few pictures clicked with him so that I could thoroughly work on the look and his voice. 

I realised that just watching these brilliant movies with amazing actors portraying these complex characters was easy but the ground reality, the meticulous preparation that goes into it is a herculean task. I dyed my hair a blonde reddish brown shade and my diet comprised of just green tea so that I could get that thin shreiking voice of his. I walked like him, incorporated all his mannerisms, roamed around the city in clothes like his with dirty shoes and a body posture that left my shoulders hurting and a back aching for the week that followed. It was worth the effort though. It's the fact that you get to be whoever you want to that attracts me and makes me love my craft. My biggest compliment was the fact that my mom (who is also my worst critic) cut the call not once but twice during my character study because she couldn't identify my voice and thought she had dialled a wrong number. So, here's to exploring new avenues and setting out on new journeys. Hope I have hundreds of such experiences in store!